This really isn't a good idea. I told myself I wouldn't try to justify my actions of late but here i go anyway... In particular I am apologizing to @sorinjace
, & @Corwinnn
. If you want to here me babbling about "my hard life" or "my emotional turmoil" or any of that stuff that lead me to what I did and might unfortunately continue to do, then read on. Or just blindly accept or reject the apology.
Off the top of my head, some of the things that I am apologizing for:
- Blackmailing you... that was uncalled for and I have no reason why I thought it was even a sliver of a good idea.
- Disregarding what praise I received...
- Being arogant
- Being a dick
- Not being a good friend
- Taking things too lightly
I blackmailed because I felt unwarranted mistrust of everyone... Time and time again, people have told me that they will look into something for me, but they never do. I was trying to ensure that I wasn't going to be disregarded like I have been in life so many times before... It was uncalled for... The reason I tried blackmailing you 4 in particular is because you are the 4 that I desire praise from the most, you 4 are all so talented and whenever I got the littlest praise, it felt like a drug and I just wanted more... I also thought that maybe if you did that faving thing that I asked, I would skyrocket to a favored member status, having sorta cheated the system...
2. Disregarding What Praise I recieved
It is simple. I see what amazing stuff everyone here can do and I wanted to be accepted like that; as an elite, a representative of sorts of the community... I felt that it just wasn't enough... you all get so much acknowledgement and I get what feels like next to nothing. Not to mention that for the first 10 or so years of my life, I was relentlessly bullied, including in the way where they talk smack about you behind your back even when they pretend to be a friend. I frequently ignore praise from pretty much anyone, come to think of it, because I've grown too paranoid to let my guard down, lest I let in more torment.
I feel like arrogance just comes naturally to those who are talented, whether or not they are humbled early on. I use it as a mask of sorts to hide pain and ward off insecure bullies who fear being hurt as well. It has become second nature to me to be unpleasant so that only those who can see me for me are close...
4. Being a Dick/Douche/Prick/Other-Obscene-Way-of-Describing-Me
As I have already explained, I have a pretty messed up sense of humor and I am insecure, and all of that mindmessing garbage. I wear masks I have made for myself, characters to play in different circumstances to try to keep myself from being vulnerable, whether it be the starry eyed novice, or the arrogant douchebag; I have molded characters for myself to play literally everyday. Each fully three dimensional, with pieces of the real me in each and every one of them. So that I can lie to myself under the loophole that I told some truth. This prick I was earlier was simply me putting on a different mask to try to accomplish a goal, despite the messed up method of achieving it I tried. It made it easier for me to do a douchey thing be playing the role of a douche.
5. Not Being a Good Friend
I don't have many friends. Heck. I only have two, one of which is my girlfriend. I only have acquaintances, for each of whom I have crafted a me that they can relate to but not really want to be close with. I sometimes will accidentally push away those who honestly want to befriend me because I see it as either a ploy or as a hazard. Because of this I am not a good friend, and I usually need some warming up to.
6. Taking Things Too Lightly
I take things either too seriously or too lightly. Usually whichever is further from what I should. I suppose it comes with my messed up humor. I have found that whenever people are having a good time, joking around and whatnot, I want to do it too, but with complete record of it always being too far... I always think they are seeing it how I do, but that isn't true; everyone has their own predispositions. I only ever remember when it is too late. Evidence the first: The blackmail wasn't what I meant it to be. It just started as a favor I was asking, but then I threw in a half joke that took it too far, mentioning spam mail if you didn't do it. I wasn't intending to blackmail but I took a joke too far and too lightly and now I can't help but feel that the people online who I want approval from, now hate me.
I know that chances are, nobody gives a heck about all that because everyone has their own problems. I have a wonderful personality, full of quirks and, yes, the janky bits, and every card I have made is a lens through which if looked through properly, one can glimpse my personality. I just wish that you can forgive me enough to see it.
To anyone with the perseverance, sympathy, or whatever it was that allowed you to read all of that: Thank you.