WTF: An Apology... (Trigger Warning: I say bad things, so if you are sensitive to that, turn back)

edited July 7 in Off-topic Chat
This really isn't a good idea. I told myself I wouldn't try to justify my actions of late but here i go anyway... In particular I am apologizing to @sorinjace, @Aryanf, @Tomigon, & @Corwinnn. If you want to here me babbling about "my hard life" or "my emotional turmoil" or any of that stuff that lead me to what I did and might unfortunately continue to do, then read on. Or just blindly accept or reject the apology.

Off the top of my head, some of the things that I am apologizing for:
- Blackmailing you... that was uncalled for and I have no reason why I thought it was even a sliver of a good idea.
- Disregarding what praise I received...
- Being arogant
- Being a dick
- Not being a good friend
- Taking things too lightly


1. Blackmail
I blackmailed because I felt unwarranted mistrust of everyone... Time and time again, people have told me that they will look into something for me, but they never do. I was trying to ensure that I wasn't going to be disregarded like I have been in life so many times before... It was uncalled for... The reason I tried blackmailing you 4 in particular is because you are the 4 that I desire praise from the most, you 4 are all so talented and whenever I got the littlest praise, it felt like a drug and I just wanted more... I also thought that maybe if you did that faving thing that I asked, I would skyrocket to a favored member status, having sorta cheated the system...

2. Disregarding What Praise I recieved
It is simple. I see what amazing stuff everyone here can do and I wanted to be accepted like that; as an elite, a representative of sorts of the community... I felt that it just wasn't enough... you all get so much acknowledgement and I get what feels like next to nothing. Not to mention that for the first 10 or so years of my life, I was relentlessly bullied, including in the way where they talk smack about you behind your back even when they pretend to be a friend. I frequently ignore praise from pretty much anyone, come to think of it, because I've grown too paranoid to let my guard down, lest I let in more torment.

3. Arrogance
I feel like arrogance just comes naturally to those who are talented, whether or not they are humbled early on. I use it as a mask of sorts to hide pain and ward off insecure bullies who fear being hurt as well. It has become second nature to me to be unpleasant so that only those who can see me for me are close...

4. Being a Dick/Douche/Prick/Other-Obscene-Way-of-Describing-Me
As I have already explained, I have a pretty messed up sense of humor and I am insecure, and all of that mindmessing garbage. I wear masks I have made for myself, characters to play in different circumstances to try to keep myself from being vulnerable, whether it be the starry eyed novice, or the arrogant douchebag; I have molded characters for myself to play literally everyday. Each fully three dimensional, with pieces of the real me in each and every one of them. So that I can lie to myself under the loophole that I told some truth. This prick I was earlier was simply me putting on a different mask to try to accomplish a goal, despite the messed up method of achieving it I tried. It made it easier for me to do a douchey thing be playing the role of a douche.

5. Not Being a Good Friend
I don't have many friends. Heck. I only have two, one of which is my girlfriend. I only have acquaintances, for each of whom I have crafted a me that they can relate to but not really want to be close with. I sometimes will accidentally push away those who honestly want to befriend me because I see it as either a ploy or as a hazard. Because of this I am not a good friend, and I usually need some warming up to.

6. Taking Things Too Lightly
I take things either too seriously or too lightly. Usually whichever is further from what I should. I suppose it comes with my messed up humor. I have found that whenever people are having a good time, joking around and whatnot, I want to do it too, but with complete record of it always being too far... I always think they are seeing it how I do, but that isn't true; everyone has their own predispositions. I only ever remember when it is too late. Evidence the first: The blackmail wasn't what I meant it to be. It just started as a favor I was asking, but then I threw in a half joke that took it too far, mentioning spam mail if you didn't do it. I wasn't intending to blackmail but I took a joke too far and too lightly and now I can't help but feel that the people online who I want approval from, now hate me.


I know that chances are, nobody gives a heck about all that because everyone has their own problems. I have a wonderful personality, full of quirks and, yes, the janky bits, and every card I have made is a lens through which if looked through properly, one can glimpse my personality. I just wish that you can forgive me enough to see it.

To anyone with the perseverance, sympathy, or whatever it was that allowed you to read all of that: Thank you.

Comments

  • edited July 6
    @Ranshi922 your alright man. I dont think anyone here hates you, no sweat man.
  • @sorinjace get back to work lol.
  • I say jokes that get taken the wrong way too sometimes! Lol it happens
  • edited July 7
    As far as the details you shared its deep stuff @Ranshi922. Im sorry you went through the bullying. Bullies are hurting probably worse than you think, and hell, they may not even know it. I dealt with bullies before when I was younger. One of them actually came to be a friend of mine once he got to know me. Then he actually got bullied himself its crazy how that goes. Im adopted. I have a brother who i had to protect growing up from bullies. He was adopted to the same family i got adopted to. Im the youngest of all my siblings. His name is steve. Steves brain was damaged severely as a baby by his birth mom throwing him at a wall because she was mad at a nurse. She herself was mentally unstable (i hate these terms btw) no one is mad at her but steve is like a living version of winnie the pooh. I guess that nakes me like rabbit at least according to my adopted mom. Anyways. I dealt with people treating steve terrible until i stepped in. He has helpers that have hurt him, even slapped his face. But he stays optimistic, even when he learned he had some problems. I was a kid when that happened. It was so sad hes like a cuddly teddy bear. He was told by doctors he would never walk, talk, let alone run or ride a bike or play sports. He has done all of that. I dont get to see him much i do miss him often.
  • edited July 7
    ok love you @Aryanf
  • lol, there you go again with the long paragraph! I think you and I are cut from the same stone; either too long or very concise!
  • @Ranshi922 - You may not realize it but you pretty much described most people. No one is perfect and we all mess things up or have dealt with bullies in one way or another and we all want recognition from those we admire... for example, just tonight we went to a semi-professional hockey game at the Shark Tank... all prospects, ages 17 to 23. Right in front of us were two former Sharks players. We wanted to sit and talk with them, but they were preoccupied with their lives and didn't even notice us... granted there were like 4000 people there, but still we sat there for three hours wondering if they would even acknowledge us... they didn't... but throughout the night The GM of the Sharks walked up and asked who my favorite Sharks player is. (I told him, and I think he was shocked by my answer), and the Coach gave us a smile and a head nod. But I'm still a little out in the cold over those two players who didn't notice how much we noticed them!

    Bottom line is, don't sweat the small stuff, because most of it is small stuff.
  • You got it. Although I had no idea what you were talking about in the middle there... >-<
  • edited July 7
    @Ranshi922
    [Insert a deep story here] So yeah no sweat man!
  • That is a very concise way to put it, despite the deep allusion. XD
  • @Ranshi922 - My family and I are mildly obsessed with Hockey, except the girl child, who could care less. (The only one in the house with no sports enthusiasm whatsoever!)
  • I can relate to that lack of enthusiasm to it
  • @Ranshi922
    I can relate on not having many close friends and being bullied. I only enjoy soccer otherwise I find sports a waste of time..

    But I can talk to me if u have issues with people I have had a lot of practice especially lately :/
  • soccer is the one sport in gym i can get competitive in so @DoctorFro, thats a solid alignment against sports
  • @Ranshi922 What the heck is all of this about?
  • edited July 7
    oh... .-. i kinda sorta tried blackmailing sorin, aryan, corwinnn, and tomigon into faving more cards of mine
  • @Ranshi922 what?? How?? Why??
  • @Ranshi922 was just having what he said in his own terms an adhd moment ;) we've all talked over this he's apologized a out it in this discussion as well in the beginning of it @KrampisZman.
  • @Rashni922, "All mistakes are forgivable so long as you're willing to admit to them." -Bruce Lee
    I don't really have a sliver of a clue what exactly is going on here, but I'm glad you were willing to acknowledge your mistake and try to atone for it.
  • @Ranshi922 What exactly happened that this thread exists. I mean seems like something that should been handled more privately, but it's here. Can you give us the short version if possible?

    I generally take alot to send packing. I have done plenty of dumb things from good intentions and been the world's chew toy. The scene from Captain America where he says all places he got beat up, I could do the same in my hometown on a certain street. Running away is probably something I don't do enough heh.

    I've heard some crazy stuff and had to keep plenty of dark secrets for others. You'd be hard pressed to surprise me at this point.

  • yeah, @Lastjustice, I should've but in a sense i think it was logical to publicly admit that err of mine.
  • @DoctorFro have you been ok? Noticed what you said there in your comment you have been having a lot of practice lately. Nobody better be messin with my Doc, I'll pop em a good one. :) I mean, if it really came to that. Most of the time no one wants to fight. I'm no hard___ but I wouldn't let anyone mess with ya or Ranshi if I was around. I had to stop a friend of mine whos also on here and I work with (Profaneprince) from being shanked before, he got punched 3 times and cornered and before the guy could pull his shank out on him I stopped it. sigh. longstory. just go with that @DoctorFro lol. I could tell you more in a pm if you want to know more later. oh and I am not even a big guy! lol tall, but not super tall (im 6'1'' almost 6'2'' and bout 180lbs. I never understand why people run away from me when they mess with my friends, but im thankful sometimes for that, just being there helps them out sometimes.)
  • edited July 8
    Nah dude I am fine thx for worrying tho
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