The Confession

I have a confession: I am depressed... I have been suicidal for several months now... every night I consider falling into a sleep from which I will not wake... I have been using Cardsmith as an escape. It helps quell the urge, seeing the impact I have on people I've never met, and also in a way aren't I leaving the world when I come here. Time passes me by at a different rate, I get lost in worlds of my and your making. I feel lost when I am not either drowning myself in fantasy or in media such as memes, video games, and YouTube. I've been able to keep myself in check with a therapy I made. Unfortunately, it is pretty much repression; I perform whenever I am in public I hide the darkest parts of me with a mask of exaggerated character traits. I sing whenever I am not eating or in class, dancing around, and it wards off the demons, and the prying eyes of my classmates. They just think "It's that bi, dumb-ass, singing again." I just had a real heart to heart talk with Corey and I realized that I am more honest with all of you than I am with any other living person other than myself. Until now... I have been keeping up a mask... a mask of bright constant motion. "Stay moving or your magnificent illusion will com crashing down upon you!" I would tell myself... If you are wondering what I mean by crashing down... I mean, hurting myself and everyone I care about... I hate myself for telling you all this... everyone who reads this will worry about me... I don't want people to worry about me, but when they don't I feel down trodden, because they didn't try reaching out. Isn't that just fickle of me? I'm so so stupid; either you go on worrying about me, or you worry for a bit, then move on... everyone always moves on... whether it be a new stage of life, to death, or to a new understanding, nothing remains fixed...

Nothing is changing... I am going to keep posting cards as though everything is normal, because it is. This is normal for me... I just felt like everyone should know because while lying is fun, it pains me to do so any longer here. The main difference is that being that the charade has been revealed, I will be posting some more grim cards mixed in with my others... You all are the reason I have to keep living... I just wanted you all to know how much everyone here means to me. (wow... I'm actually crying... I haven't felt this wet sting of tears in about 3 years...)

Comments

  • Wesley, I will tell you this and speak out for the rest of what's been dubbed as my 'crew' in saying this too and thats "we love you." It's crappy not being in the same neck of the woods right, but if you was here we would hang out, Wed take you to all our boring spots in our lives lol. No I'm joking but point is, no one really wants to die, and it's good to talk about it, and I'll be damned if I'm losing anymore friends or family to suicide... We get a car somehow and money to go to the comic Con you want us to go to with you so long as we can do it then he'll yes I'm down at least I'm sure erica will want to go so long we can afford it, and Tyler and John? Yup they'd go too im sure. (That's a full car btw.)
  • I heard that it’s easier to rent a van for a week than a car. (They usually expect moving of stuff)
  • edited October 1
    @sorinjace, thanks for moving in the optimistic side of things... that’s what I needed right now.
  • @Corwinnn how much longer till I can drop it?
  • @sorinjace, @everyone, let's go make some s**t!
  • edited October 1
    Something ironic just happened... My science teacher, just walked by me while I was singing and said "Wesley, stop being so cheery all the time!" (He said it half jokingly, but still... it's pretty funny.

    Also somebody said the liked my singing! XD
  • haha nice
  • @Ranshi - I was expecting it like 10 hours ago!
  • expecting what?
  • @Corwinnn, please close this thread! I had an idea where we can all be morose together!
This discussion has been closed.